Eat Me


In the grand spectrum of things, I don’t really have any enemies.

Really, I don’t. I’m forgiving and in the long run, treat people I don’t like so indifferently that they become the equivalent of extras in this show called “Life”. They dissipate in time and may only appear once or twice in the background – so why should I care?

But if I really do have enemies and if I really am naive enough to not know friend from foe, then I have one simple response to all of ‘dem haterz out there:


If you do so choose to go about eating me, I’ll be happy to give you the grand tour of my body’s most flavorful destinations:

Eat Me, for if you notice, my calves are one of the more hearty meals. Cut the leg off from the knee down, remove the bone, shove a stake in it and roast me over a churrasco. I guarantee, I could feed a village in that old fashioned traditional style of cooking with that technique and some carefully chosen spices.

Or, if you’re looking for more of a stew, you can Eat Me at the brain. It’s a chewy one for sure, with lots of texture and plenty of protein. Take the skull and lacerate the bulbous area. Delicately remove the brain and chop it into bits. Coat the bits in flour, add oil, bake for an hour and add vegetables for those extra vitamins.

If you do so dare to get adventurous, though, I exhort that you go about my intestines and guts. Yes, grind them up into tiny sliced up squiggles and mash it together in oil and milk ’till you get a fist sized ball before you. Then go ahead and barbecue it. Add cheese and condiments and  squeeze them between two buns because now, my friend, you can Eat Me as a burger.

And, another way to skin this flavorful cat would be to go in a more Southern American vibe: Eat Me like you would chicken over rice and beans. but instead cut my arm off from the elbow down, slow cook the forearm meat, apply delicious spices and behold – Human Forearm over Rice and Beans!

Eat Me as a breakfast too, for that matter. I hear my pectorals have really come in after that completed one hundred push up challenge. Plentiful and tender, pan fry them with your eggs and toast that toast on the side to get that near all-American classic of scramble eggs, white toasted toast, and my beautifully tender pectorals.

Lastly, don’t forget my thigh muscles. Once you cut those suckers off, you can have human shawarma and Eat Me out of a pita bread fold. Mix some tomatoes and cucumbers in there. Apply olive oil. Stuff french fries in there if you’re really going 21st century and behold! A Mediterranean Delicacy!


But ultimately, my body provides so many choices for my haters! They can Eat My biceps in a sandwich! They can slice my back muscles into an Epic Meal Time challenge. They can go for more of a finger-picking appetizer and eat the meat off the bones of my fingers if they wanted! They could even feed their dogs my dried human’s feet! Sweeney Todd doesn’t have anything on this entrepreneurial spurt!

But in the end, my haters come far and wide. Over time, they will find new recipes to top of the ones I’ve provided and do such wonderful things to the point where mine are forgotten. It does not matter, though… just as long as they EAT ME!







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