I sure as hell have quite an ego. I could sum myself into two of the seven deadliest sins: Wrath, and Envy. Envy whom insists on being my drive pushes me… and pushes me sometimes. It’s what gives me the exoskeleton that leaves me looking like I have an ego. But now I lie awake haunted by fears and insecurities. At 2:00am, I begin to write.

Since high school, I have held onto things the way that (even today) I hold onto things from then. When it comes to inflicting wrong on someone else, I tend to remember in the same manner that Elephants remember everything. It’s a gift and curse. Curse, purely for the sake that some minor things still torment the inner/only child that makes me whole. Gift, for it makes me the nice man:

I am the nice man

Enduring what may come because the long run is what matters

I am the nice man

Never looking the gift horse in the mouth

I am the nice man

Content with the pennies and quarters left to keep me stable

I am the nice man

Inviting the novice to what has opened my doors

I am the nice man

Standing proud as my investment becomes mature

I am the nice man

Making connections while developing versatility

I am the nice man

Pushing forward to complete the endless journey

I am the nice man

Doing you the favor, now that we are equals

I am the nice man

Never asking for anything in return

I am the nice man

Regretting that I never asked for any help

I am the nice man

Holding on and internalizing this distorted image of my past

I am the nice man

Being used so that hopefully you will begin to respect me

I am the nice man

Sweating the stress out of these biceps that keep lifting

I am the nice man

Needing – yet too scared to ask for your help

I am the nice man

More internalizing

I am the nice man

Receiving nothing as you seem to not remember what I have done for you

I am the nice man

Suddenly feeling like an entitled prick

I am the nice man

Too scared to say these things out loud… Because even this shit is too emotional for some people to understand… Or if they do understand it, they don’t want to hear it… Because it’s more of my problem and not your problem.

So now even more than ever, I remain that isolated beacon. I’ve been deduced to a lighthouse hoping for a shipment of help to reach shore. You’re just an empty black sea that doesn’t export to my nation. So I wait patiently, taking one day at a time.

I really am the nice man

Getting angrier and angrier because I see no other solution

I am the nice man

Building up courage to stand my ground when I’m losing ground to stand

I am the nice man

Changing to this thing I never expected to be

I am the nice man

Planning to become the greatest asshole you’ve ever witnessed…

 

 

 

 

… This isn’t me, though…

For I am the nice man…