Today I faced a new fear and I know so because I realized it was indeed the newest of my fears right as it was happening. One would think that being able to experience this is great or really just natural but in my imaginative mind, the one that jumps to conclusions, a part of me feels that the answer is at least more comforting than knowing of its existence and not saying anything. So I write about it.
Frankly, though, its incredibly difficult to describe because the way my mind processes words and the way I write them, I intend on them becoming more concrete with actual imagery when nearly everything the mind does deep down is so mental that it can’t be painted… but let’s try, shall we?
The fear is deja vu. Big whoop! Who cares? Well, let’s consider why I fear it. The way my brief episodes of deja vu work is that my mind somehow remembers events that haven’t happened yet. Let me repeat that- “remember events… that haven’t happened yet.” Maybe its that I had dreamt of it before or maybe its that our minds are capable of telling the future and that we, as humans, haven’t harnessed the capabilities of using the remaining 90%. Neurologists and other students devoted to the study of brains (and quite frankly unqualified peoples such as myself who create wild theories on a daily basis) speculate that the day we become capable of engaging 100% of the mind we will have superpowers. I feel that one of them will be the power of telling the future.
In the meantime, at least for myself, my brain dreams up something that I forget as I wake up. A picture or moment becomes forever lost deep within the archives of my scattered brain and what is set before my eyes completely takes over my mindset for the day to come. Then suddenly, the reality I see will miraculously, without warning, match up with that picture or moment lost from the dream. I know for a fact that these events are incomparable because my memory doesn’t recollect events like these happening with certainty. I don’t know how this happens or whether or not I am even seeing these situations clearly but what I do know is that I’m lost in why these happen in the first place.
So I begin to make conclusions to help calm my nerves:
Maybe if I’m seeing more Deja Vus it means that something phenomenal will come to me?
Maybe if I’m seeing more Deja Vus it means there’s a parallel universe where this exact moment happened and somehow our identical spirits communicate when something matches up?
Maybe if I’m seeing more Deja Vus it’s a message from God saying that the end of my life is near?
Regardless of how wild or different these speculations are I notice that there is one thing common with every single one of them- They all derive from personal superstitions. To any rational person this all seems crazy but what happened today was quite the trip.
Today, I was pursuing my 3rd adventure for geocaching, a great way to see more of the city around you while doing treasure hunts in the modern day setting. In other words, it’s treasure hunting for adults without the plentiful amounts of booty. The specific place I went to was under a bridge at this lake right across the street from my school. Here I went around the lake, went to the checkpoint that happened to be under this bridge in dead center of the lake. Underneath the bridge was the geocache which I concluded was a black suitcase filled with Playboy magazines, hair straighteners, nail polishers, cigarettes and other sketchy items including a note that made no logical sense besides the word “Help!” Next to the geocache suitcase was a pair of black high heels. Around the area were other remnants to some skimpy outfit including a leather skirt, a tomboyish-looking shirt and a bracelet dangling from a bush. To be honest, this geocache felt more like the murder sight of some hooker that society neglected, abused and forgot about. I didn’t know what to make of it.
Satisfied with my find, I logged the geocache on the application on my phone and decided that since I am encouraged to be adventurous that I walk the other way opposite of the trail I had arrived from in order to see new things. In doing so, I found myself walking towards the school but through the private golf course next to the lake and school. Learning the hard way, I found out that given the barbed fences there was no way to hop the fence or cut through the golf course to get to the school . The only way to school was all the way back which would have been a 3-4 mile trek back the way I came. Knowing I did not have the energy in me to do this I quickly asked a group of golfers for a ride to the entry but was rejected due to their tight schedule by the club’s regulations. Luckily a sweet and kind girl driving one of those mobile service bars was doing rounds on the golf course. When I stopped her and asked for a ride, I didn’t expect to make the connection I had with her. Next thing I knew, this woman and I rode the cart to the bridge where we talked about our lives and got to know each other a little bit. Aside from her looks I liked her a lot for the fact that she was easy to talk to and seemed open minded which was very calming.
Before I asked for her number though I went through the Deja Vu. In telling her about geocaching we made a dead hooker joke and in that instant I connected reality to a long lost vision that was somewhere deep in my unused 90% of the brain. With a trick of the mind I knew that somehow I would segue that into asking her for her number and before I even knew the conversation I knew it was going to happen. Somehow this dead hooker joke led perfectly, as the deja vu had predicted, into me getting her number. Then, I looked down and in doing so I knew that I would receive a text from a brother in my fraternity in the process of pulling out my phone to write down her number. This very thing happened. Then I began to look up only to see her face so pure and still in a blurred background the way that a soft focus shot would be filmed for a movie. The golf course was now a giant mooshy blob of green nothingness and the only thing I saw was this familiar face that seemed so untouched and recognizable. That’s where the deja vu ended. Walking away, I was proud of getting the number but I also became weary and more aware than ever of this reoccurring instance.
So why so scared, you ask? The truth is, I’m not entirely sure. All I know is that something is coming and that there is no way of telling whether it is good or not. What will come of it? Does it mean anything? Do these instances have anything in common? Do they happen to anyone else? Is my fear rational? These are the questions that keep echoing in my mind. When the day comes where I have the answer I will let you all know what it means. Until then, does anyone else speculate anything?