My Bedroom

Featured image

We all love a nice comfy bedroom. It’s nice and warm with custom walls painted to your desire. A bed that may be simple or full of just enough fluff to douse you to sleep after leaping joyfully into its embrace. All your favorite gadgets and toys are in their, too, designed for ergonomic convenience and pleasure to the maximum. A desk may be in there, too, to help you focus on what’s important in life and all of your inspirations and accomplishments are either posted on the wall in a picture frame or are collecting dust on that sturdy shelf. Your secrets are kept in there but even more so your social environments are made public too. To top all of this off, there’s a window normally, and in this case it faces out to a world of adventure and chaos. Your bedroom is a pitstop to bask in pleasure, rejuvenate and construe pure ambition. What a better place than to do this… Right?

I come home everyday after long and busy days. I just took a relaxing shift at work. I got work done for projects that go beyond school. I said hi and chatted with a few dozen friends right before I went home. I ate somewhere new today on campus. I experienced something inspirational. The best part is that I breathed in a good whiff of fresh air today. Man, it was fresh. That was the highlight of it all. Then I get to my bedroom. Everything is as it was before. The sheets are undone. There’s still dirty clothes on the floor from the previous day. Even the dust particles made visible by the rays of light are in the same place as they were yesterday. I rip my clothes off and take a hot shower, watch some tunes and whatever show I’m devoted to. I hangout with my roommates who are goofing around and being silly. God bless them.

But now it’s late and I’m tired with bags of sleepiness forming under my eyes. My drowsy self wishes everyone a goodnight as my body slumps itself into the bedroom- my bedroom. I shut the door… and this is where serenity escapes the mindset. I get myself tucked in and stretch my legs to the foot of the bed and begin to relax… and relax… and not really relax… and think… and ponder… to the point where sleeping is out of the question. My tiredness escapes me as I reflect on a mirror that is devious and distorted. Thoughts are just as busy as a freeway, now, as they race through the mind angrily in their own self-loathing ways.

Remember, when you said hi to person A today? Yeah, why? Well, all I know is that Person A has been doing things with Crush A for a while now. You shouldn’t pursue it Chaz. It’s out of your league. Alright, fine but given some time it’s possible for things to happen, right? No, Chaz, look at the way she looks at you. How many decent conversations have you ever had with her, huh? Like 2 and those were when you were stuck with her for over 10 minutes at a time. Yeah, so what? I just met her. Why would that be an issue. Remember Douche A from that class your in? He pulls pussy left and right from first encounters all the time. How come you can’t do that? Too fat? Too boring? Huh, why? No, Brain, that’s not why. It’s because I’m a relationship kind of guy who is more attracted to personality rather than body curves. Yeah, that explains why you only got with the ugly crowd last year, huh? Ugly crowd? They weren’t ugly. They were my friends which made the situations ugly! What is one supposed to do when they were as emotionally messed up as me? Speaking of that how is Ex A doing these days? She accomplishes so much and look at you! Frat boy partying all the time, frying his mind with senseless rap music. You’re lame man. If you had balls you would still be in that relationship. Fuck you, Brain. I loved her and that’s why I let her go without a fight. You don’t know my pain! You don’t know why I do the things I do! Of course, I do. I’m the brain. I’m the one who inflicts them. So why do you do that then? You know what kind of pain you cause. Sure I do. I do it because you gotta be an actual someone someday. If I don’t push you then who will? Fuck you, I don’t need the extra load. Do you see how hard I work? Do you see how far I stick my neck out there? Yeah, far enough for me to get an easy chop at it with an axe. You’re a turkey just stuck in the rain waiting for God-knows-what to intrigue them from the clouds above. You don’t do anything for me! It’s my will power that brings me through the day! Will power? Will power! Who do you think gave you that misguided will power? Me, asshole. Me and the strength that I took from pains of the external world. Right, and I suppose you’re going to thrive from this great sense of will power too, huh? You’ve crossed too many lines, Brain. No, Chaz, you’ve crossed too many lines. Open your eyes and the evidence will be in front of you.

The fight can’t be won as the brain is smarter than the heart. With another round lost, the heart causes every inch of muscle in my body to tense so tight that not even Alexander the Great could pull his sword out of them. I jot up awake from the horrible fight panting and sweating, wiping the salty, cold liquid off my forehead. I sit up as my vision is still foggy. I rub my eyes but the nightmare isn’t over as around me are judgmental skeletons of old and new. One to my left. One to my right. One on the ceiling. One below my bed. One on the floor. One on my couch. One peering through the window. One stealing the food from my fridge. Where are they coming from? My closet. My closet is full of them. They march out in a parade like the brooms from Fantasia and surround me with emptiness in their expressions. Each of them are all knowing and they stay in protest against the monster that has awoken before them.

“Please go away,” I say weakly with no energy to fight.

Yeah you would ask for forgiveness wouldn’t you, pussy. Shutup, Brain! 

“Please,” I begin to sob in frustration, “You’re all from the past. I don’t deserve any of this. I’ve learned from you all already.”

They don’t respond and only creep in slowly with bony white hands reached out to strangle me.

“Please.”

Pussy!

The skeletons completely cover men now as10 of them at least get on top with their grips around my neck.

Suddenly, I wake up. Was it a dream? No.

I take my shower, get dressed and briefly eat my low calorie breakfast. Time to get to work. As I walk out of the door of my house, while playing my obscure music choices, my heart begins to calm and my brain keeps functioning normally… for now.

Advertisements

One thought on “My Bedroom

  1. Your brain and heart are just like everyone else’s. Conflict, doubt, self-loathing…we all have it…. We all struggle with it. You’re clever and clear headed enough to describe it and have the immense courage to share it. You are not as alone as you may think! The path to thriving includes self examination… You’re further along on that road than most people twice your age.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s